Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
