Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
