Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
