Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
