Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
