you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
