It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
