Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
