just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
