My nipple is on Facebook.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
