: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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