remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
