It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
