i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
