shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
