You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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