Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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