Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
