dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
