Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
