I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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