just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
