I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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