some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
