Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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