I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
