Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
