I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
