We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
