You just made me feel so damn special
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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