3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
