You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
