apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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