It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
