So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
