my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
