Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
