dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
