my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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