Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
