But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
