So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am available for nakedness
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
