she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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