I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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