1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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