glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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