Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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