My girlfriend figured out who you are.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
