My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
