She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
