I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
