I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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