i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
