Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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