Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
porn star boner night. come get it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
