I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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