Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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