i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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