she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
