i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I want to be your penis for a week.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
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