I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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