I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
