If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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