Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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