Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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